Don't Be The Hero

Don't be the hero. I know, that sounds odd, especially coming from a life coach, but hear me out. Heroes and villains are not that different. Think about it. A hero goes out of their way to find someone (a victim) and change their situation for the better by imposing their will upon them (saving them). A villain goes out of their way to find someone (a victim) and change their situation for the worse by imposing their will upon them (inflicting damage). Sure, this is a watered down and oversimplified analysis, but it sets the stage for an exploratory thought experiment that promises to change the way we view our world.

As we have established, one main difference between a hero and a villain is how they treat the victim, but have you ever thought about how both depend on the victim to exist? I mean a hero and a villain fighting it out without any stakes that hold victims in the balance just turns into two dudes fighting over differences of opinion. If the villain wins, who's he gonna hurt? There aren’t any victims to torment and so ceases to be a villain. If the hero wins, who’s he gonna save? There’s nobody who needs his help getting out of trouble and so ceases to be a hero. Without a third party to be hurt or saved, they’re just two people having a grudge match.

That’s great and all, but doesn’t a hero help people, and a villain hurt people? Like isn’t that a major difference between them? Not necessarily. Sure, a hero’s intentions are to help people, but that’s not always what they actually do. Let’s say you’re about to be mauled by a bear and some hero swoops in to save you. He fights the bear and flies you away. Awesome you’ve been saved! Next time you're out in the woods you find yourself about to be mauled by a wolf. You get ready to fight it, but again, your hero swoops in and rescues you. At what point do you stop being afraid of the beasts and start feeling invincible because you know your hero will save you? It sounds far-fetched, but it happens every day.

    Let’s say there’s a young man moving out on his own for the first time. He has a job, an apartment, and a decent car. He’s paying his bills on time and everything is going great until one day when he meets a young woman. He falls for her and takes her out on a nice date. No problem. He has money for a little fun. Eventually one date turns into two and then three and then ten with each date costing more than the first. He starts falling behind on bills and realizes he doesn’t have enough money to make ends meet. He calls his dad for help. His dad becomes the hero and saves him by giving him the money he needs to get by. He dumps the girl because she is too high maintenance and resolves to never risk his financial stability again for a woman. 

A year later, he meets another woman. She is even more amazing than the first. Before long he is right back in the same mess. He calls his dad for money and his father bails him out again. At what point will the young man become dependent on his father to fix his issues or save him from trouble? Has the father by rescuing his son actually done any good for him? His intentions were good, but he took away the opportunity to let his son learn for himself how to solve problems. He inadvertently hurt the victim. Wait a minute, that’s the same thing villains do!

Alright, so heroes and villains are a lot more alike than we want to admit. If we can’t be the villain (even if it might be fun), we can’t be the hero (even if it might be awesome), and we can't be the victim because that would just suck, who is there left to be? We have yet to talk about the mentor.

In two very popular sagas, Star Wars by George Lucas and Harry Potter by J K Rowling, there is a hero who defeats a villain (spoilers). The villains in both show little fear towards the hero but are terrified of the victim’s mentor, and yet barely ever interact with them. 

--(First off, yes, I know both villains had traumatic experiences with their respective mentors and that there is a whole lot more going on in both of these franchises than I am talking about, but please don’t fill my email with junk about this. Also, guys they're fiction, so chill.)--

Why would a villain feared by so many have such anxiety about an old dude with a magic glow stick? I’ll give you a hint. The glow stick has nothing to do with it. It is the fact that the mentor has confidence and experience in their ability to guide the hero through their journey. But the glow stick sure looks awesome!

Mentors have experience and confidence in navigating struggles. Instead of working to take away the struggle of someone, they work to show their student how to overcome the struggle themself by bringing out of them strengths and resources they did not know they had. Instead of creating a culture of dependency, they create a society of opportunity. 

Mentors do not typically go to the hero. They know if the person they teach is not willing to learn then there is no point in reaching out. If someone wants to change their circumstances with his help, then they will seek him out. He does not go to victims, because a victim is only a victim once they have decided they have no control over their situation. It’s not that he is cruel, but he doesn’t feel it productive to waste time and energy on someone who clearly doesn’t believe they can ever change anything.

Mentors do not depend on a victim to exist. If there is no victim, villain, or hero, there is still a mentor. Even if nobody is actively reaching out for his wisdom, he still teaches by the way he lives his life. If people choose to seek him out, they are gifted with knowledge and wisdom they can choose to use or not. If they do not seek him out, then they probably never wanted anything to do with him in the first place. But either way, if you seek him or not, you never become dependent on him. You either take his knowledge or don’t. If you take and apply it, you start to be able to solve your own problems. If you do not take it, it is of your own accord. 

Don’t be a hero. Even though it sounds glamorous, it defeats its own purpose. The goal of a hero is to help people. To make the world a better place. After some time, they only create dependency and demand. A mentor makes the individual worlds of others better by changing how they view everything. Is my view based mainly on semantics? Yes. Is my review of Harry Potter and Star Wars in poor taste? Probably. Does that mean it has no value? You decide. Who will you be?